On feeling a bit insane, the roots of patriarchal society, pioneers and living in the pink dot.
Stepping back to figure out why the heck it's so hard to be a woman right now.
About a year ago, I was texting with my sister about how hard it feels to be a mother and a woman today. And I can’t go any farther here without acknowledging that I have it very good, and that there are countless women AND men who face far more challenging circumstances than I ever will.
That acknowledgment aside, it feels like we’ve all kind of peeked up over our fences lately and looked around, whispering: “why is this so freaking hard? It’s not just me, right?” And we’ve collectively nodded our heads. It IS hard. Balancing motherhood with work, especially.
I think we all recognize that the notion of balance is pretty much a joke, but what should we even be aspiring to? Surely something better than mere survival of these years of our lives where our children are in the home AND we have big dreams and goals for ourselves.
Again, I have to point out that even though most of my friends and women I know would say they feel frustrated if not a bit crushed under the weight of it all: many of us DO have it pretty darn good, especially if you look back over the course of history.
And as I was texting with my sister, I realized that’s the key. We need to step back and look at the bigger picture.
I’m 38, so I was born in 1984, a period of time when it was common for most women to work outside of the home. Since that was my standard, growing up in a time when women *technically* have the same rights as men (though that’s an enormous technicality and I’ve got loads of stories in my personal hopper about how laughable that technicality really is, as do all women that I know) I operate as though we always have. Even though I learned in school (a precious little bit anyway) about the history of women’s suffrage and then later educated myself on the feminist movement, when you’re born into a world where of course women work and have the same rights… it’s hard to keep the bigger picture in mind.
In fact, it never occurred to me until like… yesterday.
It wasn’t until the 1970’s that most women expected to work and therefore planned for their education and career trajectory as such. My mother was a teenager at that time. That was a single generation ago.
So I made some graphs to show us all that we’re NOT crazy, this IS hard, and that’s because we’re basically pioneers. When you look at the bigger picture, we’re just getting started. We are the guinea pigs, we are the ones figuring it out as we go. There’s no handbook, there are few systems built to support women (and children) as we attempt to rebalance the scales.
I’m a visual person, so I thought it would be good to look at how this really works out. I wasn’t sure how to define “ALL OF HISTORY”, so I made two graphs. And in case you need any reminding: I’m very far from a statistician or a historian. Just a mom on Wikipedia in a cafe, so do your own research and draw your own conclusions if you’re the pedantic sort.
The first graph shows what historians call Modern History, the period of time from 1450-today. That means there were 473 years of society (black dots) as we know it, before the early 1900’s when women in the US were allowed to vote and also began to enter the workplace as our society industrialized. It’s only been about 100 years since then (pink dots), and that’s a pretty generous interpretation given the above stat that it took until 1970 for most women to expect to work outside of the home for the duration of their lives.
We have a lot of catching up to do to when you look at all of those black dots.
And here’s the real whopper: the second graph here shows the history of patriarchal society, a phrase I’m using to indicate the time during which it is more likely that men hold positions of power than women. That was a whopping 12,000 years ago. Each dot represents 100 years of life and time that went by during which time women were not autonomous citizens. WE ARE STILL LIVING IN THE FIRST PINK DOT.
There is obviously enormous amounts of work still ahead of us to achieve true equality in the workforce, close the pay gap, create equal representation in leadership, and put in place policies that recognize childcare as a critical need to support the success of all families.
And then there’s the emotional complexities a mother faces who chooses to stay at home with her children for a time or leaves the workforce altogether to support her household: is she now contributing less than she should just because she has the ability to work outside of the home and contribute financially? Certainly not. Anyone who’s been home with their children for a holiday break knows that often the work of the home is the most challenging work of all. But today, sorting out what it means to be a mother and woman is fraught.
There is no “norm” as to what it means to be a mother and a woman in this world. Every woman alive must draw her own conclusions and act accordingly. And luckily, we here in the U.S. are mostly free to determine our paths for ourselves. For better or worse. Personally, I’d love a mile marker or two.
All of this is to say: if you’re feeling the weight of it all, of course you are.
History will look back at this time and we will be lumped together with the women in the weird hats* who fought for our right to vote. We’re making it up as we go—which, I think, is actually the great secret to adulthood, so that’s not NEWS. But it’s another layer. And it’s a big one.
So: you’re not crazy, and you’re not alone. It’s a brave new world, and we’re just pioneers in the pink dots.